Who’s next for Donald Trump’s cabinet? We offer some suggestions, from Nemo to Joe Exotic

Donald Trump is gearing up to lead the most ridiculous government in history.
At this point, I’m surprised he hasn’t nominated the Flash to lead the Department of Energy. Trump is now trolling the planet or we are living in a deranged simulation. Or he has lost his marbles as he seeks to destroy America by gutting institutions with unqualified and hostile imbeciles.
Dr. Oz to run Medicare? Will new services include sketchy diet pills and multi-level marketing schemes in which blood tests screen for communism? And you just know when Trump was spitballing candidates for this post his first choice was Doogie Howser.
The president-elect this week also nominated his pick for secretary of education: Linda McMahon, co-founder of the WWE. This means the K-through-8 curriculum will soon include the spinebuster and clothesline. Who needs reading, writing and arithmetic when an inverted facelock can get you out of most life jams?
Can a red hat justify Trump’s emerging cabinet? Honestly, I’m all ears. Explain why Matt Gaetz should be attorney general. Is it because he is not qualified to manage an IHOP? Should America’s “top cop” be a fellow who was investigated for having sex with an underage girl and is more despised inside his own party than Diana Jenkins of “The Real Housewives”? Should the attorney general be a hyperpartisan maniac who looks like he’s wearing invisible pantyhose over his face? Dude, chill with the Botox.
Tulsi Gabbard as the director of national intelligence? That might be Trump’s scariest pick of all. When Russian state media swoons over “our girlfriend” Tulsi that should be a red flag. People forget Hillary Clinton once alleged Gabbard was a Russian asset. I’m not saying she is. But her inclination to always parrot Kremlin talking points on Syria or Ukraine is beyond suspicious. She always blames America first, which is probably not an instinct you want in the ultimate eyes and ears of intel gathering shared with the White House.
So based on Trump’s ludicrous picks thus far, I’d like to offer suggestions in case some of these bonkers selections do not get confirmed.
Forget Pete Hegseth for Department of Defence. I’ve only written one column about the Fox News host and it was about how he never washes his hands. So Trump is entrusting America’s military to a walking biohazard? I thought Trump was a germaphobe. But since he is obsessed with ruthless TV personalities, the secretary of defence should be Simon Cowell.
He will strut around the Pentagon in an ill-fitting T-shirt and fire anyone who even smells of woke. Mr. Cowell will bloviate and prepare America for war with insults. He will trash-talk Iran and China with sassy sound bites that get heavy rotation on TikTok.
Secretary of labour? Give that job to Macaulay Culkin. He understands unemployment. Secretary of transportation? Give that job to Elon Musk. I know, I know. Musk is already the de facto president and first buddy. But in his giant brain, there are probably gremlins coming up with ingenious commuter ideas such as GPS catapults and nuclear dirigibles.
Trump has nominated Kristi Noem to lead the Department of Homeland Security. This only makes sense if you want every dog in America to self-deport over fears of getting shot in the head. The secretary of homeland security should be Ted Nugent. He hates illegal immigrants and his abysmal guitar playing would force every caravan to turn around at the border.
Life is miserable in our country. But at least we don’t have to hear that.
The Department of Housing and Urban Development? Give that post to Melania. She understands the pain of seeking refuge in a solitary bedroom as other families enjoy communal space. Plus, every new home will be painted in the garish hues of crimson and aquamarine. And every welcome mat will be emblazoned with “Be Best.”
Trump has selected Doug Burgum to lead the Department of the Interior. He should withdraw this nomination and give the job to Nemo. Only a clown fish can grasp conservation and protect natural resources. More important, only a clown fish can reverse-engineer the deregulations craved by a clown car hell-bent on destroying the environment.
Secretary of agriculture? Easy. Joe Exotic. The imprisoned “Tiger King” star and Trump fan grasps habitat. He is also dumb enough to promote trade wars. And if Trump decides to deforest the Tongass in search of new oil reserves, Joe will gladly do it in a tacky hoodie.
On Tuesday night, I attended an IMAX screening of “Gladiators II.” It’s a riveting movie. There is also a subtext in the story about the perils of feckless government, about how immoral and obsequious public servants can hasten the demise of an empire.
Donald Trump should watch that movie this weekend and give his head a shake.